Alice In Acidland (1969)

Drug PSA's have a tendency to not be very good. PSA's from the 50's and 60's complaining against any and all sexualities not located within a loving (read: married) relationship are even worse. PSA's that complain against drugs being used to bring impressionable young teenagers into a world of depraved sexuality, which it does by showing us 50 minutes of people having sex with the occasional interrupting voice-over, are really, REALLY not good.

Thus we're brought to the subject of today's review: Alice in Acidland (1969)*. The basic plot: Alice (a young student) is invited to a pool party by her teacher Freida, a lesbian who's actually out to seduce her. A few glasses of gin and drafts of LSD later, Freida's plan comes to fruition as the two have a sexy bath together. After that, Alice becomes a free-loving hippy-about-town and goes to a few of Freida's swinging parties, where she sees a girl get drugged on LSD and raped and hears about how her best friend hanged herself, before taking LSD herself and having a horrible (and in colour, with the rest of the film being black-and-white**) hallucination.

If that sounds like a plot that wouldn't fill the film's entire 55-minute running time to you, then you'd be right. Instead of a plot that constantly moves forward and, you know, actually has things happening in it, we're treated to what is literally 40 minutes of soft core porn instead, and horrifically unsexy soft core porn at that. I sure hope you like people stripping to their underpants and kissing because that's all this film is. Minutes 15-35 literally consist of one long sex scene, and you can trust me on that. I got so bored, I started timing the bastard. No plot, no acting, no anything. 20 minutes – over one third of the whole damn film – is dedicated to one long sex scene, where no-one even has sex (the male actors never take off their boxers; how could they?!?) and that's it. And that isn't the only sex scene in the film. Please note; this movie ISN'T a porno.

So you've got a story that's supposed to be a horrific account about how drugs can destroy young people which is actually just extended scenes of half-naked people wriggling. How do you make this even less sexy? Why, have no audio for the entirety of the film and instead overdub the entire thing with smooth jazz interjected with the occasional interrupting voice-over! That sounds like brilliant film-making!

Frankly, this film commits the one carnal sin that makes a movie truly, totally and irretrievably awful: it's boring. It's so boring that when something does happen, when the final ten minutes suddenly become colour as we see through Alice's eyes at a LSD-caused hallucination, we just don't care anymore. If you want an anti-drug film that'll actually entertain you, go for Reefer Madness (1936). If you want porn related to Alice In Wonderland, I'd suggest Alice in Wonderland: A X-Rated Musical Comedy (1976). And if you want to watch any film sometime in the next few weeks, just please, don't watch this one.

* This film was released in '69. How appropriate...
** Thus bringing this thing closer to The Wizard of Oz (1939) than it ever gets to resembling Alice in Wonderland, it's own frickin' name sake...

A Clockwork Orange

Oh my followers, sitting on your computers with slices of Toastywoast and slashings of Jammiwam, I have just watched a Sinny and had a proper Horrorshow time. Starting of filled to the brim with ultraviolence and numerous examples of the good ol' In-Out-In-Out that this sinny is famous for (and some not so good example of In-Out-In-Out too if you know what I mean), it soon becomes much more than just extremely violent hardcore porn and, by the end of it, becomes something positively choodessny.

Alex, a very baddiwad molodoy malchick indeed, is the leader of a shaika who go around town drinking drugged moloko, exciting utlraviolence upon other Lewdies they meet and crasting as much cutter as they can get their hands on (while bunking off Skolliwoll too). Unfortunately there is descent among the ranks and, while drating an Baboochka with a giant model pan-handle, Alex is betrayed by his fellow Droogs, clopped over the litso with a milk bottle and left for the Rozzes.

Now a plenny in Prison, Alex finds a way out (a new plenny experiment, the Ludovico Technique, that promises to get him out in a fortnight) and, after befriending the prison Godman, gets his way onto the course. Alas, the course is a nochymare for poor Alex and leaves him a hollow wreck of moodge. The rest of the sinny is basically just him being beaten up by everyone until he jumps out of a window.

The sinny works completely in juxtapositions. This is why we have have scenes of forceful In-Out-In-Out set in classical theatres and brutal scenes of ultraviolence set to good ol' Ludwig Van. It is a very unique sinny to watch and well worth your raz.

So spend a golly and watch this sinny. It's a really horroshow production and is one of those sinnies that everyone should watch at least once.

Oh, and the use of a faux-slang in the movie is very interesting as well.

Pan's Labyrinth

I’m depressed at the best of the times, but I’m usually happy enough not to stick my head in the oven and end it all. That was before I watched cult Spanish film Pan’s Labyrinth. Now I’m waiting for the oven to heat up.

This film was advertised as a scary film where a kid gets taken to a fantasy world and meets tons of weird and crazy creatures. Sure, that does happen (sorta) but it takes up a surprisingly small amount of the film. The rest of the film is based firmly in the real world, and the real world is tough as shit.

It’s post civil war Spain, circa 1944, and little protagonist Ofelia is being taken with her pregnant mother to an army outpost where a small army are fighting against a group of rebels which live in the surrounding forests (and where the father of the unborn baby, the sadistic bastard Captain Vidal, lives). Once there, Ofelia meets a faun in a labyrinth who tells her that she must perform three tasks in order to become queen of a far-off fantasy world.

That’s as much as the promos tells you. What it doesn’t tell you is that, as Ofelia goes on her magic quest, people are being tortured and murdered around her and her mother is slowly dying throughout the film when her pregnancy goes wrong. Add to the fact that all the fantasy elements are heavily implied to all be in Ofelia’s head and that the film has one of the biggest downer headings I’ve ever watched, I was slashing my wrists and listening to My Chemical Romance before it was down.

It’s a very powerful film. It cleverly and intelligently explores several themes about stories and fables, as well as the classic idea of reality vs. fiction. It’s a great film with brilliant special effects and is well worth watching. Just don’t enter the film thinking that it’d be a magical fantasy romp like I did, because it’s not. Oh god is it not.

Hey, my ovens ready. See ya.

Bonus Review!

When I wasn’t slashing my wrists and crying, I found time to watch “The Eleventh Hour”, the first episode of the new series of Doctor Who and Matt “11^th Doctor” Smith’s premier episode. Basically, it was brilliant. Matt is great as the Doctor, managing to be likable even when breaking into the house of the 7-year old, making her cook breakfast for him and then spitting it out when he doesn’t like that she’s done for him.

The script is fast-paced, lively and hilarious and the entire thing was very enjoyable. Bring on the next 12 weeks!

ERASERHEAD review

Imagine being gang-mind raped by a chicken and a laughing pencil. Distil it into film form, get rid the resulting trips to the psychologist afterwards and you’ve got pretty much what watching Eraserhead is like.

Sorta. Watching Eraserhead isn’t quite like that, but then I have no other description for what watching Eraserhead is like. It seemingly goes out of its way to be completely indescribable and revels in being un-understandable. Maybe it’s a representation of the fears of parenthood taken to the extreme, but then how do the dream sequences fit in? Maybe it’s trying to convince the audience that there’s a meaning behind the picture when really there isn’t. Maybe David Lynch finally went completely insane and filmed the whole movie from inside a padded cell. Maybe the entire movie is just a figment of my imagination. Maybe YOU are a figment of my imagination. How do you feel now, huh?

The basic plot is that there isn’t one. Henry Spencer knocks up a girl who he’s then forced to marry. The baby is born as a cross between the alien from Alien and a sausage, wrapped up in bandages. The world is full of umbilical cords/sperm, there’s a woman with puffy cheeks singing in radiators, chickens are tiny and the soundtrack never becomes more than a series of sounds that resemble a recording of an attacking kitten played backwards. That’s about as much as I can figure out.

Still, this is an utterly brilliant movie and you should watch it. The surreal visuals, slow pace and odd music give the movie a genuinely unnerving atmosphere and it is essential viewing for anyone who’s bored with normal films and wants something more interesting to watch. And the ending is qui

ERASERHEAD
Written and directed by David Lynch
Starring Jack Nance, Charlotte Stewart, Laurel Near and whatever the hell was used to make the baby puppet.
Watch it now. Good night, and don’t have nightmares.